Unraveling my Thinking

On some kind of subconscious, cellular level, I think of Scott as mine and me as his.  I don't know how to unravel this way of thinking.  I have to figure out how to stop crying, pick myself up, and move on.  He has been stringing me along, which is only making this harder.  I know he is ambivalent about ending our marriage.  I think he is scared to be on his own.  Still, he isn't in love with me and may not have been for a really long time.  I'm thinking his feelings for me changed around 2011, or maybe before then.  I guess he has had moments where he felt some romantic feelings toward me, but that was only when I was not causing him any trouble or getting in the way of anything he felt like doing. 

I have always loved Scott.  I have been very selfless in our relationship and willing to give him almost anything, except when it might hurt the kids.  I argued with him about things, but usually because I felt attacked by him.  He usually attacked me when I was debating in a logical way because he couldn't win the debate.  He also doesn't like to talk about issues.  He wants issues to be swept under the rug and hope they go away.  I am a problem solver and I always think I can fix anything.  Well, I can't fix this. 

My plan to make him fall in love with me might have worked if he was only mad at me about the past 2 months.  I realized that this is bigger than that.  He started treating me unfairly and inconsiderately because he really doesn't care for me all that much.  He hasn't for some time.  I suppose that is not going to change.  He says for now that I can stay.  He doesn't know what he wants.  However, he isn't in love with me.  That's not a very good deal for me.

Anyway, in the mean time, I think of it as trading him living space for all I do here.  I told him I can't move out right now, but eventually I will get my emotions under control enough to move out.  I might need until after the first of the year.  It's going to take time for me to pull myself together and get used to the idea of being truly single.  Unfortunately, it will probably take longer than that to heal enough to start dating again.  I would love if he would change his mind, but I am not very hopeful at this point.