Earlier today, Scott and I talked and he told me I should continue to save up to move out. I started talking to him about the logistics of how that would work. Then, I told Adi that we were going to get a divorce. She started crying. She said the most important thing to her is her family and she doesn't want it to break apart. I told her I feel the same way, but daddy isn't happy with this family the way it is.
Scott then said that he thinks that the reason he is so unhappy is that he feels overwhelmed by the kids being here all the time. He wants the kids to go to school so he can get a break from them. I agreed to Jolie and Adi going to school, but not Karenna. She is almost to the point where she can take college classes and she would also have to give up her babysitting job. Scott said that would be fine because she doesn't bother him that much. Mostly, it's Jolie that gets on his nerves. She always has, but not because she is a bad kid. It's just that he doesn't like her personality.
Adi says she wants to be homeschooled, but she will go to school if we will stay together. It is more important that we stay together. I feel terrible that we put this on her shoulders. What if she goes to school and we still end up breaking up. I am not sure this will really solve the problems between us. In fact, it makes me very unhappy. I want to homeschool the kids. The kids want to be homeschooled, but Scott wants everyone to sacrifice for him. He could easily go find a job outside the home if being with the kids all day bothers him. Unfortunately, he is unwilling to do what he needs to do because he would rather just do what he wants to do all day.
I don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to break up our marriage, but I also don't want to put the kids in school. I have to work now and Scott is home with the kids on the days I work. I am not sure how I can continue to homeschool them if he is unwilling to be home with them while I work. If I move out, he will get a break from the kids half the time. That might be a better option. However, the kids really want us to stay together. I suppose keeping my family together is more important than homeschooling the kids.
I just worry that I am giving up too much to keep our family together. I am not sure what Scott is willing to sacrifice for his family. I don't think he is willing to give anything up. He wants to take, take, take and never give. I asked him what I am getting in return for this and he said a happier husband. What about me though?
Today, I felt like I wanted to kill myself. I finally talked myself out of it. Then I called my dad and he got me the rest of the way talked out of it. Scott wasn't helpful in talking me out of it. He said I was messing with his head. He agreed when I said I feel like I'm a terrible mother lately. He told me to just snap out of it and be a happy, loving wife. I don't know how to just snap out of it. My life is not what I want it to be. I can't decide if staying with Scott is better than leaving him at this point. I don't want to hurt the kids. I don't want to lose what we have. Yet, I am giving up too much of myself to stay and be happy.
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