Homeschooling

I'm sitting here thinking to myself why do I homeschool my children? I did well in school compared to most, but I often had this underlying feeling of not being liked. I had many friends, but felt like most people didn't like me. I know some of them didn't, but I took everything so personally. I tried so hard to be nice to people and wanted to be everyone's friend, but it seemed like my efforts always fell short. I saw Karenna as being an overachiever type just like I was and my reaction was to protect her from feeling like she had to be that way to be loved. I tried to protect her from the pressure of getting good grades even though I am sure she would have succeeded. She is a hard worker and very intelligent. 

Now we are through Algebra 2 and working through Trig and she is only 13. I was thinking of having her start college general ed classes next year, but Scott was absolutely against it because it will cost us money for books (she gets free tuition because her dad works for the college) and it will result in us having to drive her 30 min each way to the University. I think she could really get a good start on her degree and even finish at a young age, but Scott thinks it will be too much of an inconvenience. Now he also says he thinks she should have the "college experience" which involves partying her way through college and is why he ended up dropping out. He also added that he thinks it will be inappropriate for her to be in a classroom with older guys who will likely try to take advantage of her.  My response is that she won't be hanging out with them after class and her dad is a UC Police officer.  He would tell us if he thought it was unsafe.  Scott thinks she should go to high school (even though we are essentially already done with high school) with her peers and then go off to college. I haven't been willing to give in to him on that, but he is mostly okay with it because she is gone most of the time with me, to her dad's, to her practices, or babysitting.

Although I tried to protect my oldest from the pressures of school and the strong need to please (like I had), she completely threw herself into a high pressure sport-gymnastics. It became sort of an addiction and passion for her even though it was causing so much undue stress for her. My N husband is her step-dad and was very resentful that I supported her in gymnastics and wouldn't take her out despite the high financial cost and time. He retaliated by insulting her on a regular basis, reminding her constantly of the financial burden she was putting on the family, and putting her down when she didn't do well at a meet (or she wouldn't try a back flip off of our boat because she "must not be a very good gymnast if she can't even do that.") Finally, I encouraged her to try something new because Scott was putting constant pressure on me to take her out and even threatening to divorce me if I didn't. She switched to Tumbling and Trampoline, which is much less hours and way more fun. It ended up being a really good thing, but I am angry at how we were both worn down and manipulated into making that choice. 

My 10 year old chose to go to school this year instead of being homeschooled. Scott told me he felt overwhelmed as a dad and maybe he wouldn't want a divorce if I put the kids, but especially Jolie, in school. He has never really liked her, but she is a really sweet kid and has done nothing wrong. He sees her as fat and lazy and either criticizes her or avoids her. She already spends weekends at her dad's, but now that I am working, Scott has to deal with her while I'm gone. I gave in to him even though we were all happy with the homeschooling and made school look like an appealing option.  I told her she could maybe make more friends, not be bored as much, and the work would be way easier than what she is doing now. She decided to go because she wanted to make more friends. However, she says she will probably only want to go for one year.  I'm pretty sure she will be back to homeschooling next year.

My 7 year old, Adi wanted to homeschool and her daddy was fine with whatever his little princess wanted. He still sees our 7 and 4 year olds as an extension of himself. Our 4 year old son, Jaden just started half day kindergarten. He is happy with his kids around as long as they don't become too much of a burden or need to much from him. He will play with them until he is done and then scream at them to stop. If he is working, he will scream at them to go away and break their little hearts. They are literally devastated when he does it because they worship their daddy. I am hoping to have them all homeschooling again once I move out. I still believe there are many benefits to it, but I wrote this to try to assess how me being an NPD Survivor has colored my decision in favor of it.