It Don't Breakeven

I am falling apart again.  I don't understand what happened to my marriage.  I was really in love with Scott. I thought he was the love of my life.  I can't get my head around the fact that he isn't in love with me anymore.  I think he might have fallen out of love with me when Julie came around and he hasn't been in love with me since.  That's why he put so little effort into Retrouvaille, but it was enough to appease me.  We were able to go on because I was still happy and willing to take care of the house, the kids, his laundry, fuck him, etc.  The past two months, he started resenting me because I was in the way of his crush or the other things he wanted to do.  He just recently decided that he doesn't want to be with me anymore because I guess the problems are just not worth it to him.  I was extremely loyal to him, but he just wants to move on.  I did this to my ex, so I guess it's my Karma.  However, my ex let me go.  I never looked back.  I just didn't love him anymore.  Maybe that is what I should do with Scott.  Maybe I should let him go.  It would certainly be more dignified.  I'm pretty sure he will never look back.  He will move on and maybe he will be really happy.  Maybe that girl will do to him what he is doing to me.  I have no idea.  I am hanging on to him by my fingernails.  I guess it's selfish and neither one of us is going to ever be happy.  I just can't let go.  I don't want to see my family destroyed.  I don't know if I can even move on.  My faith in relationships is shaken so badly that I might never be able to trust again.  I don't want to spend my life alone like my mother.  I don't know if I can ever stop loving Scott.  I guess I love the image I put in my mind about the person he was.  I don't think he even is that person anymore.  I think he changed so drastically that he is unrecognizable.  I understand the pain his mother described to me when he walked away from them (him and his brothers).  He just turned his back and distracted himself with someone else.  That was me.  He avoided the pain they felt.  Now he is doing the same to me.  He wants his space because he doesn't want to deal with the pain he is causing me.  I don't even care if he is happy right now.  I want to pull him down into the personal hell he created for me.  I want him to suffer.  No, I'm not letting him go because I do not want to be alone in this misery.  If I ended things with him, I don't think moving on is even an option for me.  I feel like my heart is broken into a million pieces.  I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.  How long will it be before I stop crying every day?