It's another night I can't sleep. I am so messed up right now. I never used to have a problem sleeping, but lately, I can't fall asleep or stay asleep. I am just so angry and sad. I used to be such a happy person, but that all changed. Last night, I met Scott, Dave, and Devin at a bar in Loveland and had a few beers. Dave tried to talk to me and say that Scott should be able to have the freedom to get with other girls. I find that quite ironic since I have been all about open relationships for quite awhile now. Dave said Scott loves me and does not do anything intentionally to hurt me. He is only trying to have fun and have sex with girls. Scott has him entirely fooled.
If we could have a truly open relationship and make it work, I would be happy with that. We have tried, but it just can't work. Scott wants his freedom, but doesn't care if I have any. He told me he wants the freedom to get an actual girlfriend because he doesn't enjoy casual sex without emotional attachment. Even Dave admitted getting a girlfriend, especially a married one, is fucked up. Scott tried to deny that was what he wanted because at this point, Danielle would never go there. In fact, I still don't believe they are even sleeping together. That's not the point. The problem in our relationship is the lack of consideration for me and the dishonesty.
Scott has also been asking me for this girl I used to work with, Taylor's number since yesterday morning. Yesterday morning, he said she asked to hang out with us. I said, "no." Last night, at the bar, it came out that he wants to fuck her. He pretended that all he wanted was sex from the girl and that should be okay. It should be okay, but definitely, NOT right now. This the absolute last thing he should be trying to do right now. I still won't give him her number and the guys accused me of jealousy. Jealous is the last thing I am right now. I am bitter, angry, sad, etc.
Scott kept telling me last night I am just always so serious now. I used to smile and laugh a lot. Now, it's difficult not to cry every second of the day. I don't know if I can even relax and have fun anymore around him. He fucked up my entire world and broke my heart. I always knew he was very self-centered, but it has gone to the extreme. Now, I am working a real job and he gets to play whenever he wants. I feel that I have so many responsibilities now because he wouldn't assume any of them. I am even considering putting the kids in school because I am so overwhelmed. It doesn't even phase him though that he is putting all these responsibilities on me. I like my new job, but I can't relax at home because I need to homeschool the kids and clean up messes when I get home from work. I have always encouraged fun, but now I don't see it in my future.
I wanted to go see a counselor, but it's hard enough to find a good one without paying a lot of money. I can't afford the $90 per session, but I really feel strongly that I need to see a counselor. I have some overwhelming negative emotions I can't handle on my own. Yesterday, I was laying in bed thinking about making some kind of noose and how badly would it really fuck my kids up to find me dead.
Scott barely seems phased by all this. Yesterday, he said he has been depressed. He has an interesting way of showing that. He is distracting himself by even more partying. I wish I could do that, but I would be such a downer around anyone right now. I can barely smile or laugh. When he told me he was going canoeing yesterday, I lost it because I was feeling so sad that I didn't know if I could handle being alone with the kids all evening.
I stood at the stove, cooking dinner, and crying. Scott scooped me up and put me on the couch. He made me look at him and told me he still has strong feelings for me. He says now that he does want to work it out. I don't believe him. He is now being influenced by Dave, who doesn't have all the true information about our relationship. He thinks the issue is me being jealous of these other girls. It's not jealousy. It's that Scott doesn't have the courtesy to set that interest in other girls aside and really focus on trying to fix things between us. I wanted so much to believe Scott. I know he does still have feelings for me, but I also know that doesn't mean he is going to display any more consideration and loving behavior than he has been recently. I want to love him back, but he has hurt me so deeply and I feel so much pain. I am not sure it is reparable. I'm not sure I am reparable or that I will ever again be that light-hearted, optimistic, fun-loving person.
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