Grieving Process:
I am deeply sad that my father never loved me for who I am when I strayed from his ideas of who I should be. I never had my feelings validated because women were "silly and emotional." I am sad for that little girl who always wanted daddy's approval. I often got it when I was young because I was the "golden child," but was seen as a disappointment once I became an adult. My dad would even lie about me to others and say I was in medical school when I chose to go to midwifery school.
I am so sad for my dad that he will die feeling unfulfilled and unloved. He will have lost almost all of his genuine connections with those who care about him. I am also sad for Scott. He is heading down the same path as my father. He will be left by women time and time again because he will stop showing them he truly loves and cares for them. However, he will never accept responsibility for this.
I am so sad for my children. They will have a family that is broken apart and not get to see both parents every day. Karenna and Jolie will lose a step-dad. I am losing my home and the idea of having a family that stays together. I am sad I to lose the person I thought I was going to grow old with. I am sad to have to start over looking for someone else. I am scared to make another mistake.
Acknowledgement that I never learned how to properly deal with feelings:
Feelings make me uncomfortable. I have said others were "too sensitive." I have looked down on others for being overly emotional. I need to learn how to accept feelings and work to resolve it when I caused a negative feeling in another person instead of avoiding. I don't want to teach my children the same lesson my father taught me, that feelings don't matter. I think I have learned a lot about this and now see feelings do matter, but behaviors can be bad or good.
Loving that little child inside myself:
I was a good kid. I loved both my parents. I wanted to do well and make others happy. I wanted to help others. I wanted to learn. I wanted genuine connection with others. I still do.
Stop hoping my NPD parent will change:
I know now he is only going to get worse. That is more and more apparent. I am sad for him that my dad will always be unfulfilled and lonely.
Taking care of myself:
I need my friends. I need to talk about what I'm going through. I need to do things that make me happy like listening to music, dancing, doing yoga, taking walks, etc.
I matter:
My needs are important and I am very important to my children. I need to have a Facebook page because I need to communicate. I need to be with a partner who cares about my feelings.
Not hating myself:
I am not the problem in my marriage. I did not fail. I simply latched on to a man who cannot love. He is broken. I am not. I can pick myself up and move on. I was on the path to compromising almost every value I have to please him. If I had continued on this way, I would hate myself and not be a person my children can respect. I am working to heal myself.
Stop Being Afraid of Failing my NPD Parent:
It has been easier to avoid this because my dad lives on the opposite side of the country and I don't talk to him so much anymore.
Feeling like I don't fit in or belong:
I don't have to be special or unique to be accepted. Others can love and accept me for just being me. I need to stop trying to impress with outlandish statements.
I am not alone:
I have many people who love me: my children, my family, Dana, Kay, Criss, Anna, Emily, Jason, Justin etc.
Letting Anger Out:
I am scared of my anger. I need to find a safe way to express this.
Avoiding Guilt:
I am feeling better all the time.
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