I was completely thrown off when Scott started taking Aderall and was suddenly in love with me again. I guess my diagnosis of NPD was off. It was actually ADD, which I've learned can appear as narcissism. He still acts in narcissistic ways, but we are getting along now. He is showing me love now. He actually seems to care about me and what I want. He seemed to change over night and that's why I am so confused. I am happy, but still insecure over the things that happened to me.
I use to have much more confidence in myself. Now, there are many things that make me feel that I am expendable and unworthy. Scott says he will never lie to me again and he will stick with me for life. I want that, but I am afraid because I am getting old. He wore me down so much the past 2 years. I felt so empty and ruined. Now, it is winter. My skin is drying out. We are still having financial problems, even with me working. I can't find my make-up. I am putting on weight.
Scott's best friends are Alex and Dave. Dave can be a really interesting person, but he is very full of himself and judgmental. He says he loves everyone, but he is full of shit. He tunes out the minute I talk about anything I am interested in. He only wants to talk about his own stuff. I feel intimidated to even speak to him. I feel better talking to Devin, but Dave's opinion always trumps hers. She doesn't do anything without him. He runs the show. He tells Scott what is going on. He tells me what I am allowed to do. I don't think I even like him. I do like Devin, but I don't feel secure about our friendship.
I don't feel like a good mom anymore either. Three of my kids are in school. I am happy about it because they are doing well. I probably fucked up Karenna. I don't know if I can prepare her for college. We are working through the hard stuff, but I feel like I suck at it. I don't think I can get her prepared for the ACT. She is so judgmental of me now that she's a teen.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Not Sure About Things
Scott started some Adderall a few days ago. Alex gave him some 10 mg pills. Scott felt great and was productive and motivated. I was impressed by his sudden motivation to fix things with me. However, I'm still not sure it's going to work. Our relationship's best traits were that we did things together, the sex was great, and Scott is very affectionate. Also, Scott use to have creative ideas all the time that brought excitement about the future.
The problems are that Scott is a very poor planner. He lives only in the moment and doesn't like to make any plans for the future. He misses very key steps in planning his projects. Most of his creative ideas for making money have failed. He spends all day and night thinking about his ideas, working on his ideas, and neglecting his family only to have no financial reward. When he stressed about money, he shifts blame to me. He says I spend too much or I put money toward things we can't afford.
I was always optimistic about our future. I thought we would have more money. If I chose to devote money toward something and it was a struggle, I believed it would be easier to pay in the future when all of Scott's hard work paid off. Otherwise, what was I allowing him to neglect me for unless there would be some great thing at the end of it. Those great things never materialized and Scott only seemed to throw himself more into his work, spinning his wheels and getting nowhere.
Our relationship has gotten worse. We use to get along as long as we had sex every day or went out drinking and dancing. The minute we tried to have a conversation, it fell apart. He stopped wanting to do things with me and I stopped wanting to have sex with him. He started complaining about money more often. Then he started being dishonest and disloyal. He wanted his own life, separate from me. I cried so hard and was so devastated, but he never acknowledged that he was the cause of it or seemed to feel any remorse. I labeled him with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He was incredibly selfish and non-empathetic. It seemed to fit.
We had a much more productive conversation after he took the Adderall the other day. He seemed genuinely willing to fix our relationship and told me how he was going to do it. He apologized directly for saying something mean to me the other day and why it was wrong. I thought maybe he can't have a conversation with me because of his ADD and depression. Maybe he isn't coping well with life and just needed medication. He pushed me away because I was always trying to get him to be productive or talk about his plans to fix things. Everything was falling apart and he didn't seem to notice, but the Adderall seemed to help with that.
I was feeling very hopeful until yesterday evening. He was gone the entire day helping his parents paint their kitchen. Also, he mowed our lawn (finally!) I was happy he was being productive and spending time with his family. However, when I asked him to come over to Tori and Beau's to hang out with us after he left (we were having so much fun dancing around the living room with the kids), he refused to do it. He claimed he had to go home and shower and asked me to come home. I was tipsy from the wine I drank, but I came home. He was sitting in front of the computer and hadn't showered. I went downstairs to take a nap around 8:30 pm because I had plans to go out later with Jen or Tori to Village Tavern. I was so tired and it was hot and humid. I just stripped naked and got in bed. He came downstairs and got in bed with me. The minute he saw I was naked, he got naked and tried to have sex with me. I yelled at him to get away from me because I was trying to sleep. I was planning to get back up and go out, but I slept hard. He came back around midnight and woke me up because he wanted me to watch a movie with him. I forced myself to wake up and we watched a movie. Once it was over, I wanted to talk. The movie was about some guys in their 40s who lost their jobs as salesmen. They changed their lives and became part of Google corporation. They worked hard to learn new skills and better their lives. They refused to take the easy way and go back to sales. I was hoping Scott was inspired. I tried to talk to Scott about changing his life and maybe going back to school or learning more about other computer languages so he would be more employable. He shut me down saying he was too tired to talk and he either wanted to have sex or go to sleep.
I don't see how our relationship will ever improve, even with the Adderall. He has a serious deficiency. He has a block to any kind of planning for the future. He has difficulty having a conversation with me. He refuses to do anything he doesn't feel like doing even when it's something that I strongly desire. He use to be willing to do those things for me, but now he just refuses. Even if it involves going to one of my family events, he won't do it. Now he has a good excuse because most of my friends and family dislike him. However, if I vouched for him, they would all accept him back. I can't vouch for him though. He isn't making me happy.
If he wants to fix this, there are so many things I need to see him do. He owes Karenna and Jolie a real apology. He has not treated them well. He needs to make a commitment to me in front of the kids. He needs to start looking for a job. If he doesn't have the skills to get a job, he needs to learn them. He needs to make some plans. I can't be optimistic about our future if he has nothing to tell me. I am interested to see if counseling will help, but that's still a week away. We can't afford more than every 2 weeks and I think he needs more than that. I still don't know if this will work out. Today will give me more of a clue.
The problems are that Scott is a very poor planner. He lives only in the moment and doesn't like to make any plans for the future. He misses very key steps in planning his projects. Most of his creative ideas for making money have failed. He spends all day and night thinking about his ideas, working on his ideas, and neglecting his family only to have no financial reward. When he stressed about money, he shifts blame to me. He says I spend too much or I put money toward things we can't afford.
I was always optimistic about our future. I thought we would have more money. If I chose to devote money toward something and it was a struggle, I believed it would be easier to pay in the future when all of Scott's hard work paid off. Otherwise, what was I allowing him to neglect me for unless there would be some great thing at the end of it. Those great things never materialized and Scott only seemed to throw himself more into his work, spinning his wheels and getting nowhere.
Our relationship has gotten worse. We use to get along as long as we had sex every day or went out drinking and dancing. The minute we tried to have a conversation, it fell apart. He stopped wanting to do things with me and I stopped wanting to have sex with him. He started complaining about money more often. Then he started being dishonest and disloyal. He wanted his own life, separate from me. I cried so hard and was so devastated, but he never acknowledged that he was the cause of it or seemed to feel any remorse. I labeled him with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He was incredibly selfish and non-empathetic. It seemed to fit.
We had a much more productive conversation after he took the Adderall the other day. He seemed genuinely willing to fix our relationship and told me how he was going to do it. He apologized directly for saying something mean to me the other day and why it was wrong. I thought maybe he can't have a conversation with me because of his ADD and depression. Maybe he isn't coping well with life and just needed medication. He pushed me away because I was always trying to get him to be productive or talk about his plans to fix things. Everything was falling apart and he didn't seem to notice, but the Adderall seemed to help with that.
I was feeling very hopeful until yesterday evening. He was gone the entire day helping his parents paint their kitchen. Also, he mowed our lawn (finally!) I was happy he was being productive and spending time with his family. However, when I asked him to come over to Tori and Beau's to hang out with us after he left (we were having so much fun dancing around the living room with the kids), he refused to do it. He claimed he had to go home and shower and asked me to come home. I was tipsy from the wine I drank, but I came home. He was sitting in front of the computer and hadn't showered. I went downstairs to take a nap around 8:30 pm because I had plans to go out later with Jen or Tori to Village Tavern. I was so tired and it was hot and humid. I just stripped naked and got in bed. He came downstairs and got in bed with me. The minute he saw I was naked, he got naked and tried to have sex with me. I yelled at him to get away from me because I was trying to sleep. I was planning to get back up and go out, but I slept hard. He came back around midnight and woke me up because he wanted me to watch a movie with him. I forced myself to wake up and we watched a movie. Once it was over, I wanted to talk. The movie was about some guys in their 40s who lost their jobs as salesmen. They changed their lives and became part of Google corporation. They worked hard to learn new skills and better their lives. They refused to take the easy way and go back to sales. I was hoping Scott was inspired. I tried to talk to Scott about changing his life and maybe going back to school or learning more about other computer languages so he would be more employable. He shut me down saying he was too tired to talk and he either wanted to have sex or go to sleep.
I don't see how our relationship will ever improve, even with the Adderall. He has a serious deficiency. He has a block to any kind of planning for the future. He has difficulty having a conversation with me. He refuses to do anything he doesn't feel like doing even when it's something that I strongly desire. He use to be willing to do those things for me, but now he just refuses. Even if it involves going to one of my family events, he won't do it. Now he has a good excuse because most of my friends and family dislike him. However, if I vouched for him, they would all accept him back. I can't vouch for him though. He isn't making me happy.
If he wants to fix this, there are so many things I need to see him do. He owes Karenna and Jolie a real apology. He has not treated them well. He needs to make a commitment to me in front of the kids. He needs to start looking for a job. If he doesn't have the skills to get a job, he needs to learn them. He needs to make some plans. I can't be optimistic about our future if he has nothing to tell me. I am interested to see if counseling will help, but that's still a week away. We can't afford more than every 2 weeks and I think he needs more than that. I still don't know if this will work out. Today will give me more of a clue.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
A New Day
I am trying to take it one day at a time right now. This is the third day that Scott has consistently wanted to be back together with me. I am still keeping a wall up. I still won't have sex with him. I told him I can't let him completely back in because I could get hurt again. Also, I think he should have to work for that prize. He is like that kid who wants his reward before doing the work to get it. I suppose he has always been that way. He likes to take short cuts and thinks he deserves more than other people.
My counselor asked me yesterday what Scott wants in a relationship. I think he wants it to be easy. He doesn't want to be held accountable for his actions. He doesn't want to have to work through anything. He just wants problems to magically disappear. If he says something one day, he doesn't want to be held to his word because he might have changed his mind the next day. He doesn't want to be argued with either.
For me, there is so much I desire in a relationship. I need quality time, respect, love, affection, total honesty, total transparency, help with the kids, to talk out disagreements, be shown empathy, and forgiven my mistakes.
I guess it's time to leave for work. I have a long day today. I work until 7:30 pm. At least I enjoy it. Plus, it is easier than the work I do at home.
My counselor asked me yesterday what Scott wants in a relationship. I think he wants it to be easy. He doesn't want to be held accountable for his actions. He doesn't want to have to work through anything. He just wants problems to magically disappear. If he says something one day, he doesn't want to be held to his word because he might have changed his mind the next day. He doesn't want to be argued with either.
For me, there is so much I desire in a relationship. I need quality time, respect, love, affection, total honesty, total transparency, help with the kids, to talk out disagreements, be shown empathy, and forgiven my mistakes.
I guess it's time to leave for work. I have a long day today. I work until 7:30 pm. At least I enjoy it. Plus, it is easier than the work I do at home.
09/28/13 Sunday
I am just feeling so confused. I don't really trust right now. I am so lost without any plan for my life. I am scared that things will fall apart between me and Scott completely. I feel like I have fallen apart completely and now I am trying to put myself back together. I have no idea which pieces still fit. I know that if Scott and I stay together, we have to start from scratch. The way things were was a complete disaster. I am even sitting in mass because maybe following Catholic principles and values is a life of greater happiness and security. I still don't believe in a higher power, but at least the kids will get an education in their family's religion and I think improve Scott's relationship with his family.
Last night, Scott said he was sorry and started crying. I believe it was a moment of sincerity. However, it may not stick. He may have moments of resenting me for feeling that way. I don't know if he will keep it in perspective that his family is a priority.
I think Christine had some words of wisdom about patience when it comes to Scott. It takes way longer for him to get it than me. I always want to rush him. I tend to freak out. I freaked out when he said he wasn't in love with me anymore. I over plan. I can change directions in a split second and make a new plan. Then I run (not walk) in that direction. This was different. Many times I have felt paralyzed. Then I ran. Then I froze, immobilized by fear and sadness. Then I ran again. I was so close to moving out. I would have if I had the money.
The lesson to be learned is patience. I need to talk less and stay calm. The thing that worries me is that Scott tends to live in the moment so much that he doesn't give his actions much forethought. He is living so much inside his own head that he doesn't often stop to consider the feelings I have. He told himself or listened to others tell him that my feelings didn't matter and I don't deserve respect. I am hoping counseling helps with that.
Last night, Scott said he was sorry and started crying. I believe it was a moment of sincerity. However, it may not stick. He may have moments of resenting me for feeling that way. I don't know if he will keep it in perspective that his family is a priority.
I think Christine had some words of wisdom about patience when it comes to Scott. It takes way longer for him to get it than me. I always want to rush him. I tend to freak out. I freaked out when he said he wasn't in love with me anymore. I over plan. I can change directions in a split second and make a new plan. Then I run (not walk) in that direction. This was different. Many times I have felt paralyzed. Then I ran. Then I froze, immobilized by fear and sadness. Then I ran again. I was so close to moving out. I would have if I had the money.
The lesson to be learned is patience. I need to talk less and stay calm. The thing that worries me is that Scott tends to live in the moment so much that he doesn't give his actions much forethought. He is living so much inside his own head that he doesn't often stop to consider the feelings I have. He told himself or listened to others tell him that my feelings didn't matter and I don't deserve respect. I am hoping counseling helps with that.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Progress
Scott and I have been doing the worksheet I designed (I feel, I read) for 4 days now. It's going actually really well. I think it's been helpful. Today, I talked to him. I told him I would like to get back together, but not ready to completely do so. I think we need to continue one night out of the house overnight where we can be completely free to do as we wish. I am choosing Monday nights to stay at Tori and Beau's. In addition, we can have up to 2 nights out separately. I don't want to go out with his friends anymore. I told him I don't want Dave over while I am home. I am somewhat okay with Alex. Dave is just a self centered asshole. Also, I asked that he go to counseling and work for his parents to pay for at least one session per month. I want him to go every other week for at least 3 months. Lastly, I would like him to take Adi and Jaden to mass alternating every other week with me. I don't want to go every week and I didn't thi j he would want to either. However, I think it will help out relationship with his parents and help expose the kids to the traditions of the the Catholic Church. His family is very traditional Catholic and it is important to them. I won't convert and I still don't believe in God, but I can sit through it every other week if he can.
I am sitting at Tori and Beau's drinking a beer. I don't typically drink beer, but I really wanted to relax tonight. Tori was mad at Beau when I got here because she works full time and thinks he doesn't do enough of the other stuff. I am actually jealous of how much he does compared to Scott. She has very high expectations and I could tell he was really upset by her yelling at him. I think she is in bed now and Beau is trying to do some of the things she asked. She is not willing to cut him any slack. Maybe I should be more like that.
I have to work tomorrow. I realized I forgot my shoes for work. I guess I need to stop by the house tomorrow. I forgot to tell Scott to take the kids to piano lessons and Spanish today. I guess I am still quite distracted. At least Karenna got to practice at Kids First. I was there coaching 4-8. It's really fun to be back into teaching gymnastics. It's fun, but my body is sore from spotting kids.
I am feeling hopeful about my and Scott's relationship today. I hope we can keep moving in a positive direction.
I am sitting at Tori and Beau's drinking a beer. I don't typically drink beer, but I really wanted to relax tonight. Tori was mad at Beau when I got here because she works full time and thinks he doesn't do enough of the other stuff. I am actually jealous of how much he does compared to Scott. She has very high expectations and I could tell he was really upset by her yelling at him. I think she is in bed now and Beau is trying to do some of the things she asked. She is not willing to cut him any slack. Maybe I should be more like that.
I have to work tomorrow. I realized I forgot my shoes for work. I guess I need to stop by the house tomorrow. I forgot to tell Scott to take the kids to piano lessons and Spanish today. I guess I am still quite distracted. At least Karenna got to practice at Kids First. I was there coaching 4-8. It's really fun to be back into teaching gymnastics. It's fun, but my body is sore from spotting kids.
I am feeling hopeful about my and Scott's relationship today. I hope we can keep moving in a positive direction.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Things are messy today
Yesterday, Scott and I got along okay. We ate at Cheesecake Factory after I got done at Kids First. We took the kids over to his parents'. His mom told me they will only help with the cost of Scott going to counseling if he works for them to earn the money. I thought that was a great idea. Scott was annoyed because he doesn't want to even go to counseling. Lunch went okay. He wanted to know what Danielle said after I messaged her on FB that she was distracting Scott from working things out with me. She said she would cut ties with Scott. He didn't say much about it.
Today was going okay. I got a massage from my sister. On the way home, I called one of our mutual friends. She saw Scott on Friday. I asked what he said and she told me that was between them. I updated her on the situation and she got really bitchy with me. She said I wouldn't give up male friends Scott had a problem with so it's not fair. Also, Scott told her I slept with someone a couple days ago. I told her Scott said he got a hotel room with someone. She basically said Scott was just trying to make me jealous but I really hurt him. Apparently she got to him and I decided to unfriend her. I told Scott he succeeded in turning my friend against me and I want nothing to do with that group of friends anymore.
I took the kids roller skating and then went to Tori and Beau's. It's my night with the house and the kids, but I told Scott I am sleeping here. The kids want to go home and my friend Jen wanted to come over because she is fighting with her boyfriend. I tried to get Scott to leave so I could come home, but he said it was too late of notice and Dave is already on his way over to hang out. I suggested they go to Dave's, but Scott said he is watching a movie and isn't leaving. I gave up because I can't really do much about it and I did change my mind at the last minute.
I am in a really bad mood right now. Tori just got home from work and I think she senses I am not very happy. She hasn't even talked to me since she has been here. I am wondering if maybe she doesn't really want me here tonight.
Today was going okay. I got a massage from my sister. On the way home, I called one of our mutual friends. She saw Scott on Friday. I asked what he said and she told me that was between them. I updated her on the situation and she got really bitchy with me. She said I wouldn't give up male friends Scott had a problem with so it's not fair. Also, Scott told her I slept with someone a couple days ago. I told her Scott said he got a hotel room with someone. She basically said Scott was just trying to make me jealous but I really hurt him. Apparently she got to him and I decided to unfriend her. I told Scott he succeeded in turning my friend against me and I want nothing to do with that group of friends anymore.
I took the kids roller skating and then went to Tori and Beau's. It's my night with the house and the kids, but I told Scott I am sleeping here. The kids want to go home and my friend Jen wanted to come over because she is fighting with her boyfriend. I tried to get Scott to leave so I could come home, but he said it was too late of notice and Dave is already on his way over to hang out. I suggested they go to Dave's, but Scott said he is watching a movie and isn't leaving. I gave up because I can't really do much about it and I did change my mind at the last minute.
I am in a really bad mood right now. Tori just got home from work and I think she senses I am not very happy. She hasn't even talked to me since she has been here. I am wondering if maybe she doesn't really want me here tonight.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Things are becoming more clear every day
Things are becoming more and more clear to me. I see how I was so addicted to sex with Scott because that was the only way I felt accepted, loved, or appreciated. I was willing to do almost anything he wanted sexually. I asked him to take charge because I knew I couldn't fail if he told me exactly what to do. It furthered my illusion that I was being loved because it was one area I could let him be in total control.
I didn't immediately let him control me in other aspects of my life, but he got very good at manipulating my emotions. One way he did this was by appealing to my highest values: love, respect, empathy, and honesty. He would say I wasn't showing him one of those things. If I complained that he was hurting me, he parroted back that I was hurting him. He accused me of anything (and worse) that I accused him of. Since I do occasionally make mistakes, I bought it or defended myself. Either way, the focus was no longer on him.
We are now following a house sharing schedule. This week, it has been loosely followed because there were many things on the schedule already. I hate asking him to be home to help with the kids when it my designated time, but otherwise the kids would have to miss practices or lessons. He hasn't complained or used against me yet, but I am sure he will use it to his advantage at some point. He was leaving yesterday and Adi started crying. He said, "I have to leave. Mommy doesn't want me here." I said, "Do you blame me? You treated me like crap!" No response.
I didn't immediately let him control me in other aspects of my life, but he got very good at manipulating my emotions. One way he did this was by appealing to my highest values: love, respect, empathy, and honesty. He would say I wasn't showing him one of those things. If I complained that he was hurting me, he parroted back that I was hurting him. He accused me of anything (and worse) that I accused him of. Since I do occasionally make mistakes, I bought it or defended myself. Either way, the focus was no longer on him.
We are now following a house sharing schedule. This week, it has been loosely followed because there were many things on the schedule already. I hate asking him to be home to help with the kids when it my designated time, but otherwise the kids would have to miss practices or lessons. He hasn't complained or used against me yet, but I am sure he will use it to his advantage at some point. He was leaving yesterday and Adi started crying. He said, "I have to leave. Mommy doesn't want me here." I said, "Do you blame me? You treated me like crap!" No response.
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